Friends and Lovers

All is well.   These last few days have actually been a little bit of a relief.   Since I know I will not be drinking I am not obsessing about which nights I will allow myself to drink and how I will make it through the nights without the vino.  Now I can just get on with not drinking.   Very black and white. No negotiating needed.

I always find myself puzzling about WHY alcohol is so different for me than it is for my husband and others.  Here is how I have been thinking about it lately.   My hubby is "friends" with alcohol.   He enjoys a beer or glass of wine, but one or two is enough.  For him it seems that alcohol is part of the whole experience (i.e. out to dinner with friends, we have a drink, good food, good conversation).   Me and alcohol, we have had a love affair for years, often we met in private.   I can't go back to being just friends.   It isn't possible.   I need to stay away entirely or I will get sucked back into that secret love affair.  For me the priority of the evening was alcohol.  Did I need to preload?  How many glasses could I order without looking like a lush? etc. etc.   I have to "break up" with the alcohol so that I can get back to focus on the people and experiences that really matter.   Alcohol robs me of that and makes me feel lousy about myself too.  I am done with alcohol and its manipulative ways.  I want nothing to do with it!  I am going to stay strong!

Neinwine

 

A BIG SETBACK

Maybe you noticed I stopped posting?   I decided to give MODERATION another try.   I knew it was a bad idea.  Here was my logic.  I have been more obsessed about not drinking than I ever was about trying to control my drinking - why not try to moderate and then at least I can have some drinks now and again while I am obsessing!

Adding to this is my husbands insistence that all I need to do is establish a new routine and then after a while not drinking every night will start to feel normal.  He wants to be able to enjoy a drink with me two or three nights a week and of course I would really love that too.  

I have moderated my drinking in these last few weeks, but like you advised in one of your earlier emails to me, it is a path wrought with "hell and deprivation".  I read your Iguana post after yet another argument with my hubby about my wine consumption the previous night - he didn't think I should have ordered that third glass.  To him it is as simple as that.  Of course I thought I was doing great as I was really desperately wanting more than three.  The link to your Obstacle Course post was exactly the encouragement I needed.  I just want to know when does it start to get easier and is it really that much better?  I think the longest I have ever made it is day 30 or so.

Your blog alway rings true to me and so it is easy for me to trust your obstacle course post.   It is so hard to imagine never drinking again, but I know I can make it to day 100.  That is my goal for now.  And my hope is that once I am there then forever won't seem so scary anymore.  

Wish me luck.   I will share this email on my blog and start posting again.

DAY THREE - KEEPING MY EYE ON THE PRIZE

Neinwine