Friends and Lovers

All is well.   These last few days have actually been a little bit of a relief.   Since I know I will not be drinking I am not obsessing about which nights I will allow myself to drink and how I will make it through the nights without the vino.  Now I can just get on with not drinking.   Very black and white. No negotiating needed.

I always find myself puzzling about WHY alcohol is so different for me than it is for my husband and others.  Here is how I have been thinking about it lately.   My hubby is "friends" with alcohol.   He enjoys a beer or glass of wine, but one or two is enough.  For him it seems that alcohol is part of the whole experience (i.e. out to dinner with friends, we have a drink, good food, good conversation).   Me and alcohol, we have had a love affair for years, often we met in private.   I can't go back to being just friends.   It isn't possible.   I need to stay away entirely or I will get sucked back into that secret love affair.  For me the priority of the evening was alcohol.  Did I need to preload?  How many glasses could I order without looking like a lush? etc. etc.   I have to "break up" with the alcohol so that I can get back to focus on the people and experiences that really matter.   Alcohol robs me of that and makes me feel lousy about myself too.  I am done with alcohol and its manipulative ways.  I want nothing to do with it!  I am going to stay strong!

Neinwine

 

A BIG SETBACK

Maybe you noticed I stopped posting?   I decided to give MODERATION another try.   I knew it was a bad idea.  Here was my logic.  I have been more obsessed about not drinking than I ever was about trying to control my drinking - why not try to moderate and then at least I can have some drinks now and again while I am obsessing!

Adding to this is my husbands insistence that all I need to do is establish a new routine and then after a while not drinking every night will start to feel normal.  He wants to be able to enjoy a drink with me two or three nights a week and of course I would really love that too.  

I have moderated my drinking in these last few weeks, but like you advised in one of your earlier emails to me, it is a path wrought with "hell and deprivation".  I read your Iguana post after yet another argument with my hubby about my wine consumption the previous night - he didn't think I should have ordered that third glass.  To him it is as simple as that.  Of course I thought I was doing great as I was really desperately wanting more than three.  The link to your Obstacle Course post was exactly the encouragement I needed.  I just want to know when does it start to get easier and is it really that much better?  I think the longest I have ever made it is day 30 or so.

Your blog alway rings true to me and so it is easy for me to trust your obstacle course post.   It is so hard to imagine never drinking again, but I know I can make it to day 100.  That is my goal for now.  And my hope is that once I am there then forever won't seem so scary anymore.  

Wish me luck.   I will share this email on my blog and start posting again.

DAY THREE - KEEPING MY EYE ON THE PRIZE

Neinwine

Home Alone

Tonight my husband is out of town.   I always loved to have this time alone when I was drinking.   I could drink my wine without feeling judged or feeling the need to be secretive.  I would find some chick flick on netflix and enjoy the evening.   Of course I would end up not remembering how the movie ended and I would wake up dehydrated and headachy in the middle of the night.  The next day I would be full of regrets and promises to myself to do better.   NO MORE!   It is so sad that I found that to be such a wonderful evening.   Me and my bottle of VINO.  It really was like a secret love affair.  Nothing could be better.  How embarrassing to face the reality of that sad fact.

Tonight I welcome the challenge to stay alcohol free.   My dog and I will take a long walk and I will make myself a yummy dinner (I am still not concerned about the extra calories I am eating).   When I talk to my husband on the phone I won't have to worry about whether or not I am slurring my words.  When he asks me what I did in his absence I won't feel like a liar.

I still haven't found a great alcohol free beverage.   I am not a beer drinker so Alcohol-free beer won't do it.   I have tried Alcohol free wine.   Yuk!   Any suggestions?

Soberly Yours,

Neinwine

DAY 14! It is getting easier........

First I would really like to thank everyone who posted on my blog and a special thanks to SM for sharing my blog on her's!   Those comments really go a long way in helping me to stay on track.  I especially like hearing all of the positives that come from not drinking and I am beginning to experience some already!  Wine O'Clock is getting easier, my face isn't puffy anymore, and I am sleeping better!   I am eating way too much though.   I will tackle that one later.

I mentioned in my last post that I would list some of my favorite reads.  Not surprisingly, I have read many books over the years about drinking, fiction, nonfiction, memoirs.   Below are some of my favorites.   

Fiction

All Fall Down, Jennifer Weiner 

Summer Secrets, Jane Green 

The Good House, Jane Leary

Girl on a Train, Paula Hawkins

Big Little Lies, Liane Moriarty

Best Kept Secret, Amy Hatvany

Non Fiction

The Sober Revolution: Calling Time on Wine O'Clock

Alcohol Lied to Me: The Intelligent Way to Escape Alcohol Addiction, Craig Beck

Kick The Drink Easily, Jason Vale

The Easy Way to Stop Drinking, Alan Carr

Drink: The Intamite Relationship Between Women and Alcohol, Ann Dowsett Johnston

Memoirs

Mrs D is Going Without, Lotta Dan

Sober is the New Black: A Then and Now Account of Life Beyond Booze, Rachel Black

Drinking: A Love Story Carolyn Knapp

Between Breaths: A Memoir of Panic and Addiction, Elizabeth Vargas

Bottled: A Mom's Guide to Early Recovery, Dana Bowman

Diary of An Alcoholic Housewife, Brenda Wilhelmson

Girl Walks Out of a Bar: A Memoir, Lisa F. Smith

Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget, Sarah Hepola

A Million Little Pieces, James Frey

Soberly yours,

Neinwine

Day 11!

I am still alcohol free!   Last night we went out to dinner again.   The whole drive there I was debating about trying moderation yet again.   My cravings were real and strong.  By the time we got to the restaurant I decided that just for tonight I would stay sober.   I ordered a soda water w lime.   My husband suggested I drink only Thursday-Saturday, no more than 2 drinks.   I played that out.   I know that by Saturday, two glasses of wine would not be enough.   Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday would be very difficult if not impossible to stay alcohol free.   I would be back in that trap, obsessing about my next drink.   More importantly I would be angry with myself and full of guilt.   I hate that feeling.   By the time we got our food a felt fine.  The craving really does go away.   I just have to ride it out.

This blog really helps.   Comments will help too!  Gives me some accountability.   Tomorrow I will list my favorite books, fiction and non fiction about alcohol dependency.  

Soberly yours,

Neinwine

Another Day Without

It is getting easier!  I woke up feeling great and well rested.   My face is losing it's puffiness.  My stomach is starting to fell better.  But then it got harder.

My husband and I headed to town for dinner.   As we were walking to the restaurant my wine cravings were all consuming.   We walked in and the first thing the waitress said was "all bottles of wine are 50% off tonight!".   My husband smiled and asked if I wanted to split a bottle.   I told him no, that I wasn't drinking and he said, "Still? How long are you going to keep this up? ".

Then we really talked about my addiction.   Of course he is well aware of the problem, and he has always been supportive, but in his mind all I need is to take some time off drinking and then start back up slowly.   I told him I knew I wasn't ready to try that as I was sure that I would want to polish off that whole bottle of wine if he ordered it.  How ironic.   I don't think he is ready for me to stop drinking.   He is not a big drinker, but when the occasion calls for it, that alcoholic beverage is a key element for him, I think mostly for ambiance.   Last night though he was happy with his beer.  As soon as we got our food my cravings subsided.   It helped talking to him about it too.  It doesn't bother me when he drinks beer.   I don't like beer, so no triggers there.   I couldn't help but notice though how slowly the couple next to us was sipping their wine.  It was painful for me to watch.   I could never have done that!

From all that I have read and learned over the years, I know that this has to be forever.  But like Prince says in the song Let's Go Crazy, "It means forever and thats a mighty long time! "  That is an overwhelming concept for me right now, so I plan to take it one day at a time.   In the last few days I  have read three memoirs written by women with alcohol addiction.   All of them had a lower bottom than me, which gives me pause.   Hmmmm maybe I wasn't so bad after all.  Funny, all of them had that same thought time and again.  I enjoyed and would recommend.   So many parts of their stories sounded just like me, it was easy to relate to what they were saying.  So, as I learned from my most recent reads, here is what I am going to keep reminding myself.

For today I will not drink (Bottled: A Mom's Guide to Early Recovery, by Dana Bowman)

Get up, get dressed and get with the program  (Girl Walks Out of a Bar: A Memoir, by Lisa F. Smith)

It is a lot harder to get sober than it is to stay sober.   Don't keep doing the hard part over and over again!  (Between Breaths: A Memoir of Panic and Addiction, by Elizabeth Vargas)

A Beautiful Mountain Lake

It was easier yesterday.   I felt better physically.   I do feel very blue though and I am getting irritated so easily!    My husband can just begin a sentence and I find I am irritated even before I know what he is going to say....."Did you?, Can we?, Where is?".  The worst was, "What's wrong?  Why so pensive?  Is it the wine thing?".  I nodded yes and hoped he would go away.  He is trying so hard to give me space while I work through this.   I know I am so fortunate that he is so supportive but no matter how hard he tries to understand, he just can't.   He doesn't understand why I have to stop drinking entirely.   I am a very disciplined person.   He thinks I should be able to set a limit and stick with it.  I just haven't tried hard enough.  He DOES trust me though and he knows he doesn't get it.   He knows I need to stop entirely because I say I do.  He doesn't know everything though.   He doesn't know how much wine I was sneaking these last few months.   I am too embarrassed to tell him.  He did tell me yesterday he was proud of me.   Even that irritated me! Ha!

We are at our mountain home in Western North Carolina.  Late yesterday afternoon my husband, dog, 17 year old daughter and I went out on our boat for a cruise before dinner.  The weather was beautiful, the leaves were spectacular.  It was so serene.   Normally I'd have packed up some wine and appetizers for our cruise.  All I kept thinking was how this was no fun without a glass of wine in my hand.  I couldn't wait to get off the boat yesterday.  It made me sad how important that wine was to me to make that beautiful boat ride enjoyable.

Next time I will pack some snacks and drinks for all, but yesterday I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  Too hard.   I am hoping that next time I will be in a better frame of mind.  I will keep it non-alcoholic for me, and hopefully that Wine Bitch will keep quiet!

I am off for a good workout and then this afternoon I will continue to obsess over my choice to stop drinking, UGH.  I guess I have to obsess over something since I am not obsessing over how I will get my fill of VINO today.

Neinwine