Day 11!

I am still alcohol free!   Last night we went out to dinner again.   The whole drive there I was debating about trying moderation yet again.   My cravings were real and strong.  By the time we got to the restaurant I decided that just for tonight I would stay sober.   I ordered a soda water w lime.   My husband suggested I drink only Thursday-Saturday, no more than 2 drinks.   I played that out.   I know that by Saturday, two glasses of wine would not be enough.   Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday would be very difficult if not impossible to stay alcohol free.   I would be back in that trap, obsessing about my next drink.   More importantly I would be angry with myself and full of guilt.   I hate that feeling.   By the time we got our food a felt fine.  The craving really does go away.   I just have to ride it out.

This blog really helps.   Comments will help too!  Gives me some accountability.   Tomorrow I will list my favorite books, fiction and non fiction about alcohol dependency.  

Soberly yours,

Neinwine

Another Day Without

It is getting easier!  I woke up feeling great and well rested.   My face is losing it's puffiness.  My stomach is starting to fell better.  But then it got harder.

My husband and I headed to town for dinner.   As we were walking to the restaurant my wine cravings were all consuming.   We walked in and the first thing the waitress said was "all bottles of wine are 50% off tonight!".   My husband smiled and asked if I wanted to split a bottle.   I told him no, that I wasn't drinking and he said, "Still? How long are you going to keep this up? ".

Then we really talked about my addiction.   Of course he is well aware of the problem, and he has always been supportive, but in his mind all I need is to take some time off drinking and then start back up slowly.   I told him I knew I wasn't ready to try that as I was sure that I would want to polish off that whole bottle of wine if he ordered it.  How ironic.   I don't think he is ready for me to stop drinking.   He is not a big drinker, but when the occasion calls for it, that alcoholic beverage is a key element for him, I think mostly for ambiance.   Last night though he was happy with his beer.  As soon as we got our food my cravings subsided.   It helped talking to him about it too.  It doesn't bother me when he drinks beer.   I don't like beer, so no triggers there.   I couldn't help but notice though how slowly the couple next to us was sipping their wine.  It was painful for me to watch.   I could never have done that!

From all that I have read and learned over the years, I know that this has to be forever.  But like Prince says in the song Let's Go Crazy, "It means forever and thats a mighty long time! "  That is an overwhelming concept for me right now, so I plan to take it one day at a time.   In the last few days I  have read three memoirs written by women with alcohol addiction.   All of them had a lower bottom than me, which gives me pause.   Hmmmm maybe I wasn't so bad after all.  Funny, all of them had that same thought time and again.  I enjoyed and would recommend.   So many parts of their stories sounded just like me, it was easy to relate to what they were saying.  So, as I learned from my most recent reads, here is what I am going to keep reminding myself.

For today I will not drink (Bottled: A Mom's Guide to Early Recovery, by Dana Bowman)

Get up, get dressed and get with the program  (Girl Walks Out of a Bar: A Memoir, by Lisa F. Smith)

It is a lot harder to get sober than it is to stay sober.   Don't keep doing the hard part over and over again!  (Between Breaths: A Memoir of Panic and Addiction, by Elizabeth Vargas)

A Beautiful Mountain Lake

It was easier yesterday.   I felt better physically.   I do feel very blue though and I am getting irritated so easily!    My husband can just begin a sentence and I find I am irritated even before I know what he is going to say....."Did you?, Can we?, Where is?".  The worst was, "What's wrong?  Why so pensive?  Is it the wine thing?".  I nodded yes and hoped he would go away.  He is trying so hard to give me space while I work through this.   I know I am so fortunate that he is so supportive but no matter how hard he tries to understand, he just can't.   He doesn't understand why I have to stop drinking entirely.   I am a very disciplined person.   He thinks I should be able to set a limit and stick with it.  I just haven't tried hard enough.  He DOES trust me though and he knows he doesn't get it.   He knows I need to stop entirely because I say I do.  He doesn't know everything though.   He doesn't know how much wine I was sneaking these last few months.   I am too embarrassed to tell him.  He did tell me yesterday he was proud of me.   Even that irritated me! Ha!

We are at our mountain home in Western North Carolina.  Late yesterday afternoon my husband, dog, 17 year old daughter and I went out on our boat for a cruise before dinner.  The weather was beautiful, the leaves were spectacular.  It was so serene.   Normally I'd have packed up some wine and appetizers for our cruise.  All I kept thinking was how this was no fun without a glass of wine in my hand.  I couldn't wait to get off the boat yesterday.  It made me sad how important that wine was to me to make that beautiful boat ride enjoyable.

Next time I will pack some snacks and drinks for all, but yesterday I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  Too hard.   I am hoping that next time I will be in a better frame of mind.  I will keep it non-alcoholic for me, and hopefully that Wine Bitch will keep quiet!

I am off for a good workout and then this afternoon I will continue to obsess over my choice to stop drinking, UGH.  I guess I have to obsess over something since I am not obsessing over how I will get my fill of VINO today.

Neinwine